Thursday, October 27, 2011


Lucky you, you get two posts in one night from me.

In an ongoing battle, my father and I have been discussing the... sexuality of a friend of mine. My dad is determined this guy simply is ambiguous to his own desires. I keep pointing out the evidence that lends to the opposite. This particular character in my life is pretty spot on on what he wants. Or, moreover, who he wants it from. For over a week now this has gone on and on and on. I'll bring this gentleman up and my dad will shoot back randomly with "I still don't think he's gay."

Today at dinner, celebrating adding a new truck to the family, we got into this conversation again. I blame myself. I brought him up. I was told, by this friend of mine, that I'm a hag because my gaydar is always tripping. This is something I can completely handle. Also, if Virginia Beach didn't have so many men locked in their closets, I might not always be detecting them. That's neither here not there.

So, while explaining this to my parents in a true Foltermann family dinner fashion I point out how this particular male friend of mine who prefers gentlemanly callers has no concept of how to find said men to call upon him. His gaydar is about six clicks from calibrated. Its like he has the compass Jack Sparrow wants to protect so badly (which is probably a good analogy. Let's face it Johnny, you aren't fooling anyone just because of the kids). Mom laughed and dad got confused, but let it go.

I'm downstairs, about to head up, and as I'm gathering my laptop, sweet tea, and dog Dad looks at me and goes "Hey, I just thought of something!"

"That's a nice change."

"Shut up. If (we'll call him Bob) Bob's gaydar doesn't work, how does he know he's gay. Radars identify themselves."

"Dad, he can't tell if other men are gay. He knows he is. We've talked about this. And radars don't show their home tower on the screen."

"No, but they recognize it. I think he's confused."

"Well, does your gaydar ping on you?"


"You have a pretty fucked up and unreliable gaydar, Dad. I mean, for all you know, you're confused. Maybe its supposed to ping and it doesn't because it isn't calibrated right."

"You're just making shit up now."

"No, I'm using the same logic you applied to Bob and you. I'm just right."

"Go upstairs."

So I go upstairs and tell him goodnight, and get almost to the top when I hear, "And I still love you even though Bob isn't gay."

"I think you need get calibrated!"


And that's the end of my night. After bullshitting a single page, thorough proposal paper on the differences between rehabilitation and detention in the juvenile justice system, I got to unwind discussing my friend's sexuality with my father. Times are good.

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