Monday, June 18, 2012

Maine Moose

As most of us know now, I live in Maine now. Its been a few months, some of them easier than others (money-wise) but overall its been pretty wicked. That's what we say up here. Wicked. Honestly, its like the South transplanted a state up north just to show it whose really boss. The people are sweet and friendly most of the time. The place is covered in green. There's beaches and amazing seafood. Historical houses. Awesome.

This week we have a friend visiting! Ms. Kanarae if you Tumblr or DevaintArt. She's pretty damn cool. I like it when people visit because life turns into an adventure! :D Her first night was spent engaged in a Supernatural drinking game sure to get you plastered. It was fun. Hit my limit earlier than those two vikings (Kaihley and Emily). It was also Jaime's first night back from visiting her mum and step-dad in Florida. Seems like it did her a lot of good. So the whole fam damily was up here at our place.

Yesterday some of the girls (it was Father's day and Ms. Hill spent it with her dad) and I got to go to Boothbay Harbor to derp around. The weather was beautiful. We ate at a lovely place that I don't remember the name too. There was calamari, salad, good natured waiter trolling (which he was well compensated for) delicious sirloin burgers and making things awkward by slipping on my jeans over my shorts at the table. We were the funnest group in the joint. Also, we hit up Enchantments. I got David some lovely lavender oil. It left my hands feeling amazing. Then we hunted for a music box store that had to exist but we couldn't find it.

 After I dropped Kaihley and Em at the apartment, Jaime and I went to see David again. We ended up at Subway so they could share dinner and make good conversation before she headed back to her apprenticeship. Which sounds really neat. Learning to live primarily out of nature, and more reasonable ways to do things. Anyway, when we headed up to Farmington I decided we would looking for this guy who 'bought' her Jeep from her without actually giving her the money due. Cops are involved. On the way to taking Jaime back to her actual living facility, we saw a moose.

That's right. A MOOSE. The unicorn of the North. The animal kingdom's lumberjack. The mascot of Maine's durability. A moose! It was young female. She was so majestic and furry. I stopped the car initially because her eyes glinted in the darkness and I thought "Deer, there could be more." Then, there she was. Walking alone through the mountainous woods of Maine. The best part was she didn't have a calf with her. Apparently moose are incredibly violent and protective. They'll straight up charge at a car, jump on top of it and demolish it. Several people have died this way from the roof caving in and breaking their necks. The best suggestion is to reverse and see if you can outrun it.

When we dropped Jaime off I discovered another wonder. There are fireflies in Maine. Say what now? I had not idea those buggers survives all the way up here! It was magical.

Drove back with David then came home. Took Em to see her dad and share Chinese with him at work. That was nice. Mr. Pete is pretty cool. Then we came home, just Em, Kaihley and myself and ordered Dominos. I hit the sack and for the first time in a while, actually slept through the night I think. I had terrible dreams though.

One was about this kid in who had been spooked by his friends and developed the power to control metal. Like Magneto but less malicious. Mostly he just lifted it and move it place to place. I freaked because his friend was very powerful at doing what he was new too. Apparently I wanted to protect them. Keep them in control of themselves. Just in case they rampaged and murdered all the people. The other dreams were more emotional than frightening. Just weren't pleasant. BUT. I slept. So, mission fucking accomplished there.

Toodles, bros.

Thursday, March 22, 2012


So, I'm walking around with my boyfriend on Monday on our way to rent Army of Darkness (considering doing a fem version of Ash?) when out of the dimming blue sky my mind is like "Dude, remember that idea you used to have? You know, of becoming a published author and not wasting your life? Why don't we work on that?"

After a wicked night of Bruce Cambell, dubstep and ice cream I came home to my little apartment and starting diligently gathering my better poems. I put them in the right format and I promptly uploaded the manuscript to CreateSpace. I have now have an ISBM number for my future book of poetry Made from Scratches. Em, Hill and I are doing the cover photo today. Maybe. Then the cover will be done and the manuscript will be reveiwed and shit will be ready to GO.

SIDENOTE: CreateSpace is an independent publisher through Amazon that allows people to produce genuine products of their creativity and sell them through Amazon, CreateSpace and other venues as a physical to digital product. Because it is not contractual, and you retain all the rights to your work, its a pretty good gig. Plus, you know, royalties.

I feel sort of awesome. Of course, I have huge reservations and doubts and no expectations of success at all, but HEY, I'm getting off my ass and doing it. The worst that happens is that I lose a little faith in myself on the level of poetry.

I just wanted to share that tidbit of my life.

Here's my superlameface website:  go there. Give me some advice on how to make it swankier.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Off and On

Hey world. Its been a little bit, eh? Saint Pattie's just happened, the world is turning green and warm again. Not too shabby.

It's been  strange few weeks for me, personally. I've come off of the SSRI I was on to help moderate my anxiety. In an act of taking control over myself and shrugging off the much abused system of psychiatric narcotics, I've chosen to just stop. There's nothing wrong with me on a biological level, so there's no reason for me to keep taking a medication that could easily be replaced with exercise and personal accountability. For the record, I'm not dissing Paxil users. I was on it for something like seven months. When I buckled and chose to start taking it, I was in a pretty terrible place that I wasn't quite able to come from. But I'm done with that.

It's my life, goddamnit, and I'll do with it what I please.

The withdrawals are bitch though. One week out of the rabbit's hole and I've been pretty ill. Tremors, depressive moods, aggression, nausea, headaches, dizziness, loss of balance, lethargy. The ride may have some potholes, but it'll be worth it. I'm trying to cut my dependence on outside substances for happiness or mood stabilizers. Even, should I dare to say, caffeine. A little. Mostly to prove that I don't need them to make my life work, and that I don't need crutches. This is for myself.

Plus, with  roommate whose dieting it probably wouldn't hurt for me to start getting healthier and stop being such a lazy lardo. Haha.

Anyway. Not much is going down. The drive from Augusta to Portland is crazy long, so I've given up on working for H&M for the time being. I'll be starting at Best Buy this Friday. I'm excited for it. I also applied for a job working with kids after school to gain life skills and independence. I hope I get it. Two jobs, an apartment. WOO. Responsibility. I had to take my first piss test for Best Buy, which was a strange experience. Weed is pretty prevalent up here. And so freaking casual! Some guy came up to David, Hillary and I and asked for some out of the blue. Maine is a different animal. Which is hilarious, given all the crap I've given people over time for smoking, thinking the world ran like the places I lived. Not this place man. Eyes opened.

Coming up in April I'll be going to my first Anime Convention in Boston. That'll be a freaking blast. I'm loving it already. David is cosplaying some great characters. Em is blowing my mind with her costumes and our entire group is just going to be a blast. I love how friendly is. When I first got up here, it was like having an entire little family to pal around with. It was nice having a group of friends all at once again. Having things to do like run to another town to see my boyfriend perform or go watch a DnD game with Emily.

I'm also extremely off and on frustrated. Trying to stop being as hard headed as I am, which is hard. I don't want to be super opinionated, mostly because it makes me feel rude and embarrassed with myself so I self-admonish and then hide. I feel a little like I've been head butting people and issues and I'm tired and a little hurt over it. As in, when I think about it I cringe because my chest tightens because I'm worried about the people I love up here. So, I've been biting my tongue and then not being able to and feeling guilty about it. It sucks, not being able to tell people how you feel because you know they'll react negatively and the guilt will just make everything dull and grey when it's supposed to be shiny and bright.

Interpersonal crises for the sake of person development for the win! I guess...

Anyway, off to be away. Laters.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

How I Got Where I Am

Listening: Don't Tell Me It's Over- Gym Class Heroes

It was early July and I was hurdling down the highway in a car belonging to my friend’s parents when I decided I was going to move to Maine. This was sort of a shock to me, but not nearly as much as to the dear friend I had already bargained to move in with in Boise, Idaho.

I spent several years in Idaho and attempted to go back every other year. It had a desert beauty that was different than any other place I had lived. The smell of sage in the summer, the nearly unbearable heat, and the putrid cold of the winter had haunted my soul and dreams for every day since I had been removed on military orders. I missed it. Anytime we rolled passed a pasture of cows I would get homesick for the barren lower west of the state. My plans had always involved going back, getting a degree from Boise State and spending my adult life lounging around with some of my favorite people in the world. Friends I still depended on all the time to keep me sane and grounded.

But from the point that the wheels of the jet landed in the Portland Jetport, I felt something I had not felt in years.

I felt at home.

It was an idea I battled for the first few days of my visit. I had promised, swore even, that I would go to Idaho when I graduated with my degree in December. It was all I had wanted for years of my life. An attainable dream I was five months away from achieving.

As the car that picked me rolled down the interstate away from the city to Augusta and we were surrounded by trees and stories of how the pack I would be introduced to got along, I felt comfortable and even eager to meet these strangers. Admittedly, and I let my friend know this, I hated people. Over all they just aren’t the sort of beings I like to be around. Emily had great taste though, and I trusted her.

Days later when we were heading back from the coast with her brother in the driver seat and me and the lovely earth eyed David in the backseat discussing the itis and sleep comas and what are plans would be for me leaving I knew I was going to move up there. I was trying to convince Sarah to come with me because I love her endlessly and we are family, and I cannot imagine life without her. There was no plan, no organization. Simply the knowledge that I was going to live in Maine because its where I felt like I belonged.

I have been accused of moving for a boy. Though, we were not seeing each at the time and in all honesty hadn’t spent a lot of time together. It’s hard to explain that when someone already has their ideas set about a situation. Yes, David is a factor in my choice, but at the time I had no idea if my fantasy of dating him would ever be a reality. I simply had a feeling I had not felt in several years.

I was content.

It is such a simply thing to be, a state that too many take for granted with demands for more and more until their misery consumes them and their inability to sustain their happiness drowns them. The past four years had been a trial to me at times and fast-forwarded in others. There was no sense of stability for me to hold on to. I had my family, but the fear of it falling apart was too real for it to be a comfort. I had my schooling but in the scheme of my life listening to a professor tell me how to understand something lost the beauty it held when I was in grade school.

In Maine, driving along the tree lined highways where deer and fawns could be seen waiting to cross a street and the river cuts under an abandoned railroad bridge behind the gaming café, I was comfortable and happy. I was at peace. I hadn’t expected that to happen, not to me, and definitely not in a place I had chosen to visit on a whim to escape the reality of my life for a few days. A close friend and I had mutually chosen to put an end to whatever romance that could have been. It was the year after my grandfather, a man I loved dearly and had not seen in 13 years, had passed away from a heart attack. My first funeral.

I suppose in retrospect after I received that phone call from my wailing younger sister, who was fourteen at the time, I had changed. The anger at my biological father over being so self-absorbed and cowardly about calling me himself burned at me for several months. My anger at him for not bothering to pick up his other daughter so she could say goodbye to her grandfather, a man she’d known her whole life, made me want to hit him. I wanted very badly to hurt him and make him understand what type of person I thought he was. When I saw him for the first time since 1997, I lost my nerve. He was a wreck and my eyes burned from my mascara mingling with my tears. I hugged him and tried desperately to let it go.

My boyfriend at the time broke up with abruptly right after I got back from the funeral and I took two months off from work. Two weeks of that time were spent driving through Oregon with Sarah, and staying in a cabin on the beach. It was beautiful and calming and I will never be able to make her understand what she did for me. I felt like I was falling into tiny, miserable pieces and had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. But she was there to help be and we were adventurers and for a few weeks the world was our oyster.

I think that was when I really decided I needed to go. It was solidified, there were no actual plans made, but it was what I wanted. It’s what I needed, in all honesty. My baby brother was off to be a first year at the University of Virginia, I was stuck in a dead end retail job with managers I hated and customers who gave me ulcers. I developed severe anxiety about life. Nothing felt real, nothing made sense and nothing mattered. Eventually I started trying again. I made friends with a girl from work, and tried not to hate where I was at in my life. I began rewriting my novel. I tried to decide exactly what I needed to do with my life to be happy.

I changed my hair every three weeks until I was exhausted with running away from myself and who I was.

A friend and I began hanging out, and he reminded me of everything I wished I could be sometimes. I began taking Paxil to control the gut-ringing anxiety that had made me lose 15 pounds in two weeks until I was a meager 103 pounds soaking wet. The new manager at my job made me wonder how much jail time I could get for fist-fighting on company property. I made more friends and we went to dinner every week and it was great. I was gaining something of myself back. This gentleman and I parted ways peacefully and I cut my hair and bought a plane ticket that would change the direction of my life.

Emily greeted in Portland (Maine, not Oregon. Portland in Oregon is for bitches) with a bear hug and a stranger named Chelsie who was decent but obviously had stuff to work through that got in the way of her personality. I was greeted at the gaming café by Emily’s mom, dad and brother. Everyone loved me and I felt like I was 10 years old again staying the night. Sue fussed over my weight and we all laughed. I played pool. Then I met Jaime and David while we made plans to do silly things like ghost walks (worth it) and touring an abandoned asylum. David wore cargo shorts and a scarf with Converse in desperate need of duct tape or super glue and Jaime had cropped hair and shorts on over her colorful tights and purple shoes. They were beautiful and there was an instantaneous need for me to know them, and I wasn’t going to rest until I did.

The way the group worked was something I had missed after years of having one or two friends at a time. They were a family. We all slept over at Emily’s house in a pile in the living room while David played and beat Dead Space 2 all night long until us four girls took over the bedroom with beanbags and open windows. It was the best sleep in a few months for me, and it was nice to be in a place where leaving the door unlocked wasn’t considered idiocy.

I knew pretty immediately that I was going to live there. I had no idea how I was going to get there, or how I was going to pay for it, but I knew. I kept telling Emily and David and my parents that it was going to work out and to stop worrying about it. Things fall into place when they should, and this was going to happen. I had no doubts. Plans or no plans there nothing stopping this force of nature from occurring because when I had been up in the state I had been told in a subtle voice from nowhere that it would happen. Everyone has become pieced together in magically mind-bending ways.

After mom’s second hospital stay and I quit my job at Forever 21, I took a few months off from work. My car, my beloved white ninja, was murdered by a flashflood that took over our rented condo. I visited my family in South Carolina a few times. I wondered how I was going to make this happen. Emily and I began planning. I bought a new car and lived off of my payoff and savings until I landed a fantastic job at H&M that I was able to get transferred up north. Emily found an apartment that adores dogs and was just within our price range and didn’t have bars on the windows.

It’s open for us to move in the weekend I move up there. Destiny or something like that. I’m excited about it and I can’t wait. I have to visit my brother at school before I leave, and I need money to rent the U-Haul but it’s coming. I’m going to pay my grandfather back as well. I’m scared of leaving my family for the first time, but I know I’ll be alright. Dad is making me sign a contract stating if he gets his business to happen that I’ll come down and work it. Which I will. A promise is a promise. I’ll make him pay for it and count it as a tax write-off though.

17 days to go. Here I come, ready or not. Here I come.