Thursday, March 31, 2011

Nothing Special

Watching: Sons of Guns

Listening to: The satisfying sound of roasting potatoes.

Sarah got her phone back! And it still doesn't receive photos, which is pissing me off. I wanted her opinion on a dress I bought and could not get it! Oh well. Bought it anyway and it looks great on me. So ha, phone!

I was told by Christy today that I flirt with Jason too much. It's sadly true, but bantering with a fictional man is actually fun. Plus he gets to threaten people and its slightly charming. I just sound mean when I do that. I really enjoy that character. He's one of my all time favorites and surprisingly, unlike Thomas and Christina, he hasn't changed very much since his creation back in the late 90s. He's still the murderous, sarcastic, flirt he always was.

By the way, state vehicle inspections piss me off. Every damn year I shell out 16 dollars to get told that something pricey needs to be fixed on my damn car. Different car every year. I disapprove completely and I feel like it's a waste of time. What does the state care if my car has bad tie rod ends? Granted, it's good for me to know, so I can fix it, I don't think that's their business. Of course, I have victim written across my forehead when I walk into an auto shop. It's like they conspire against the short red head. Of course, the look of shock on their faces when I tell them I'll do the work my damn self is always worth it.

Ah, gratification.

My horoscope told me to put forth an effort to brighten someone's day today. I have no clue how I can do that unselfishly, after reading that it's supposedly going to boost my image in other people's eyes. By nature of the beast, if I do it now, it'll be selfish because I know there's a reward for the behavior. Oh well, I guess I'll see whose day tomorrow I want to pep up a little. I mean, I don't go to work until the late afternoon, so I should have the time haha.

Maybe I'll do something productive with my time. Or I'll see a movie. I don't know. After work I should be going out with Dawn to our usual spot. Sort of wish we worked the same shift so we could go get sushi, but I think that we'll be going next week after her beau comes back to port from his underway. Gah. I speak navy now, not sure how I feel about that.

I don't know if it's the weather, since it's been cold and rainy, or some issue with my circulation but I feel colder than usual. Not sickly cold, but more like barely reaching lukewarm. I think it's my mood. I was really excited and happy earlier today( Wednesday and today have no been totally separated by me yet), especially after scoring a 15 dollar dress from H&M. I keep getting the feeling that I'm forgetting to do something, but I don't know what it is.

I hate that feeling, it normally means I'm about to cause trouble for myself by being a total moron.

But yeah, my mood sort of spiraled down pretty quick once I started driving home. Maybe it's the tension around here or something, maybe I'm just being typical and shifting moods like I'm looking through my closet for something decent to wear. Who knows? It'll pass and tomorrow I'll be chipper and smile my way to work again. And then repeat Friday and open Saturday.

So not looking forward to April Fool's Day. Every year nothing happens really, but I always expect something. That tension is awful haha and triples my usual paranoia.  Of course I won't see my dad Friday and my brother is out in Charlottesville, so, there's really no one who can get me. Oddly enough, I don't feel safe. Haha, I'm joking. I don't think anyone even remembers April Fool's anymore, but I'm stuck in the fifth grade.

I think I've rambled on about nothing for long enough. I truly have nothing important to say right now, except maybe that yet again Congress is slacking on passing a federal budget. I have a lot of friends in the military and lots of friends who are dependents and right now is not the best time to start saying "Oh yeah, we'll pay you back later, but right now, you sort of don't get a check". That's a bunch of bull shit.

I'll never understand politicians.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sucker Punch

Watching: FMA

Listening to: Mumford and Sons: The Cave

That song (^) is quickly becoming one of my favorites. So, went and watched Sucker Punch tonight after work and dinner with my folks. Turns out my dad really was locking me out of the house because he was bothered that he'd awoken one morning to the door not being locked completely after I'd come home. Well, that was cleared up. PS: Plot spoiler below, so if you want to see the movie, skip the part under Spoiler to where it says End Spoiler.

But the movie, yeah. My mom hated it, said it was terrible because parts of it made her cry. Like Old Yeller cry, not like truly depressing cry. I took that as meaning she didn't quite get the gist of the film. My dad got it, didn't much care for it, but still got it. I really liked it, but then again it was geared toward my age and gender very clearly. Though I noticed some pretty male friendly things and situations.


For instance, during the second mission of sorts, when the girls are battling the Nazi's who have been brought back to life? Totally seemed like a page right out of Call of Duty. I mean, one girl even chucked a tomahawk at one of the Nazi Zombies. Wasn't the exact set up, but was very familiar. The whole sex thing was pretty much an in your face guys thing too. Bunch of hot girls kicking ass in lingerie and tiny outfits with big guns? Yeah, that's a man's fantasy world, one I sort of condone actually.

However, the 'you have all the weapons you need to survive' thing, meaning the girl's used their brains and bodies in a lethal combination of fuck you to the big bad guy, symbolized by the entrancing dances of Babydoll, were definitely a call to the empowerment of females. The entire story is built up around this one particular girl who is trying to escape from her reality by creating one she can control. In this pseudo-reality, which is where the whole movie takes place, she creates another reality where she goes when she dances. The inner reality is where she gets her strength and the other girls find themselves stronger and the victors.

So, in the end, you do feel sucker punched. Either by relating to the sensation of being trapped in a reality you want to reject, or by the feeling that you missed something pivotal in those first ten minutes when you went to get popcorn.


The previews for upcoming movies looked pretty good though. Definitely added Captain America to my must see summer list, as well as Priest, and The Hangover: Part II may be worth the movie ticket. I haven't decided just because I have this hate filled relationship with sequels. I'd still like to see the Adjustment Bureau, Source Code, Limitless, and Battle: LA. A friend keeps telling me to go see Beastly, but I'm not too sure about it.

Another friend of mine, one I've known since the third grade, invited me up to Anime Boston with her and some pals. Man, I love that girl. I need to see how I can swindle my way up there, it's only like five days. The problem here is school and work. Damn work, always paying me to not go on awesome trips. If I got to go, I'd probably get to learn how to play DnD, which would be awesome, because she said her Dungeon Master is pretty cool.

Also, while I was talking to her about this short notice plan, I got a great idea! Geek porn! It'd be a genre of videos with hot girls wearing panties and super hero t-shirts playing video games, DnD, and discussing intelligent things. Haha, I get pretty weird when I'm tired and apparently I'm exhausted. My mom even commented on it. Which is odd, because I don't feel tired, but that's normally a bad sign for me.

Not much else is going on, I guess. I'm trying to convince people I work with to pick out outfits for me that fit into my budget so that I can try to expand my wardrobe. I'm pretty much a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, which I love being don't get me wrong, but now and then I'd like to breach that comfort zone. For instance, tomorrow I'm wearing one of the only dresses I own that's not for formal events. Mom's about out of her mind excited that I'm branching into 'girlier' attire. Psh.

To be honest, I wish I had the confidence to dress like my Richelle does. She's so bold and open about her body, wearing floral print summer dresses with heavy boots and not looking unbalanced, or short shorts with ripped tights and a crop top. I don't have that eye, I suppose.

Well, I'm off to get some sleep before this 9 am meeting I have at work then brunch with the girls. Look at me being social, it's almost like I have friends or something, ha ha.


Friday, March 25, 2011

Because Sleep Deprivation

Makes me a better writer.

However, it totally robs me of common sense, the censor that tells me to shut up, and a handful of my inhibitions. Sort of like alcohol, except much more infective for me.

Someone (out of the three people who read this thing) may have noticed that in my last entry I said that I beat a friend of mine at a video game without him changing his handicap. I changed that to without him raising his handicap, because I beat him on one star to my five. The result of this typo was him reaching into my virtual reality chest to render my soul from my being and crush into a fine powder about ten times.

And then doing it again, except on Marvel V Capcom 2.

I can't lie, I'm ashamed of myself. I haven't seen my family and I can only assume that's because they heard of  my disgrace and abandoned the house to distance themselves from me. We're like Phoebe from Friends. Saving face is very important in our culture. By culture, I mean house, and by saving face, I mean me attempting to hide from the ridicule that comes with such a colossal failure.

However, I wasn't immediately cast from the guy's house, so we ate some pizza and watched Role Models, which is the movie that made me realize I wanted to know Paul Rudd. I think mostly we watched a movie, actually I know, because there was no way for me to further embarrass myself and he felt me too weak a target to keep pulverizing with minimal resistance.

So, life has been marching on, marching on, marching on. Sarah's phone is from T-Mobile, so it broke. This has lead to us talking on Facebook (because who doesn't love that amazing updated chat option?) and with my lack of sleep, it's been an interesting conversation. I don't understand why it still effects me, to be honest, I pretty much live in a cloudy haze of delirium half the time because of lack of sleep. I demand my body adjust to these standards.

So, after dinner and a few hours hanging out with Dawn, my dollface from work, at Applebee's with the illustrious Becky, our favorite server, I got home and pretty much jumped online.

So far, Sarah and I have eluded to Charlie Sheen (my new life coach) via his cooking video ("Winning tastes so good!" "Go eat your tomato salad."); Nightmare on Elm Street ("How do I kill sleep?" "Refer to Freddie Kruger movies. Eat coffee, have sex, or just don't freaking fall asleep."); and the concept of whether or not I actually had judgment at some point in my life. That last one is still up in the air.

God, I should go to sleep before brutal honesty kicks in. I have to work tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I've already nailed my coffin shut there. No need to do it with overkill by adding being a total bitch to the scenario.  I've already argued with my store manager once (or three times, but once this week). And one of my favorite coworkers quit today, so that sort of sucked. We played the ending song of The Incredible Hulk show, you know, the one that's slow and sad as he's hitchhiking down the highway? Yeah. Good fun.

So, Elizabeth Taylor died. I remember watching her in a version of Taming of the Shrew and she was just gorgeous. Those lashes, those eyes. Beautiful.

What else? Hmm. Well, President Obama ordered the bombing of Libya. I'm not going to lie, I have't looked too far into that yet. I'll look up an article or seven on the details to see what's going on. On that note though,Congress still not done confirming the federal budget.

Not much else to say, except if I don't go to sleep now, I'll hit my second wind and end up staying awake for several hours bored and contemplating things that are not quite what I should be focused on at three in the morning.

Guten Nacht.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Up to the Usual

Watching: Supernatural (Dean why you gotta be so hot?)

Listening to: My phone go "Droid" "Droid" "Droid"

So, let's see, let's see. Not much has been going on actually. I'm trying to come up with a story or poem good enough to enter in the Writers Digest annual competition. If I'm going to be paying 20 bucks an entry, it's going to be something mind blowing. It would be amazing to win though. The grand prize is a trick to New York to meet either four editors or four agents. Gah. That'd be so great!

I was considering using a part of my book, but there are some constraints on the size of the manuscript, so I'll have to rewrite a few scenes. Or just use the characters and create an original scene that's separate from the book.

Anyways. I did write a character sketch for the script my friend is writing. Out of the show's characters my personal two favorite are K (short for Kiyam) and Blaze (Actualy, Owen). K is a were-coyote who  lives in the family's attic in secret, and has used their house as a hideout for several ears after his first transformation forced him to leave his family. He's a real wiz with magic (haha) and tends to be the mentor and closest friend of the youngest kid, Ivy. Blaze is a bastard, but we love him anyways, mainly because he's funny. He's literally a prince of hell, but his throne was usurped when his uncle killed his father and married his mother. He's a fire demon with shape shifting abilities and slight psychic nuances.

Interesting guys.

So, I should  be leaving now for school, but am not even dressed yet. I've been very lethargic about these things lately. I don't like going to work at all anymore, and feel whiny for that. I've developed an awful attitude that I need to change quickly. I don't want to be that person. I hate negative people.

School is just sort of blah right now. But I love it still. Just wish I was more into it again. That always happens about this point in the semester. I get restless, start to think of everything else I could be doing. I guess I feel burned out, but if you ask my mother, I don't do anything so how could that be so?

That argument still pisses me off. Won't get into it. Won't get into it.

Did hang out with that friend of mine, and actually managed to beat him best three out of five playing Marvel V Capcom 3. Did I play underhanded? You bet. But he didn't raise his handicap, so, it wasn't that big a deal haha. Other than that I've pretty much been holed up studying, not wanting to study, and looking for anything else to do. None of my friends live real close to me though, except one, but she tends to work the opposite schedule of me.

I did have an interesting dream last about getting chastised for leaving Facebook with saying goodbye. The person in the dream gave me a list of ways to avoid that situation again saying he'd gone to do something, came back to talk to me, and I was suddenly offline. There were handcuffs involved in the threat of punishment, and I woke up a bit confused but laughing.

I really do have to go now, though. Gonna be so late. It's a jeans, t-shirt and hair in a ponytail sort of day today. I don't think that's business casual, but I think my boss will have to deal with it because I don't own many business clothes. Besides, if I have to listen to one particular girl boss me around who is actually newer at her job than I am, then I have to retaliate in some way.

God help them if they make a sound against my Vans.

So Ciao to the five people who read this haha.

Character Sketch you don't have to read:

The sun was setting. He could feel it in his skin, his bones, his gut. Letting out a staggering breath, he let that knowledge wash over him.

There were days when the change happened without him noticing, as if he were asleep and not waiting to see the faintest rays of light seep away through the slants of boards covering his only window. K lay still for a moment, merely breathing and feeling the night. He could hear the girls downstairs, arguing over something he found trivial. Their father was out today, and their brother was singing in his own room. So much life filled the house now, after years of waking up to silence.

The arguing stopped, a door slammed, and he blinked. Not all noise was good, however.

He rolled to his side and glanced around, hoping he hadn’t shredded his pants at some point during the day. His memory was better than it had been after the change, but it wasn’t good enough yet. He still lost track of time, entire moments that were black. That’s the problem with becoming a wild animal every day at sunrise, the body tends to try to run on instinct.

With a groan he got to his feet, spotting his jeans a few feet away from the door. It was locked, the deadbolt shiny and new in the warped wood. It had been Ivy’s idea, to give him more peace of mind.

There was tentative knock as he pulled the denim over his hips and he unlatched the bolt before finishing buttoning them up.

“How was it?” Ivy stepped in, looking angry but trying not to.

“Lost track of some time, but mostly, I think I was in control.” He looked around for a shirt, they’d donated a few to him since they’d come to live in the house, but found none.

“Here.” She handed him a neatly folded pile, still warm from the dryer. “I washed them for you. I figure a few weeks up here in this grime would probably be enough to make them reek for life.”

“Thanks.” It was a partial sneer, partial smile as he took the stack from the small red head. She wasn’t wearing black. “You look different.”

“Oh, yeah.” She shrugged. “Trying something new.”

He just nodded and pulled a red shirt over his head and down his chest. “So, what was all the arguing about?”

“Nothing important.”

“It never is.”

She smiled and nodded, but he could see the force it was taking her. Looking around he felt uncomfortable. He wasn’t used to dealing with other people’s emotional issues and the girl had a lot of them. And her sister, man, her sister was chock full of enough anger to make a god of war blush.

“Want to learn how to set a circle?” he asked gently. If she didn’t want to talk, maybe he could distract her and get the feeling of anger out of the room before Andy came upstairs.

She looked up at him and smiled a real grin. “Yeah!”

“Go grab the box,” he shook his head slightly as she ran to the trunk where he kept his supplies and books. She had a thirst for knowledge and he was her only way to fill it for now. One day she’d branch out, but he actually didn’t mind teaching her the discipline. There were a lot of dark people in the world who would misuse her eager mind.

K kicked some chains into a corner to clear a space on the floor. He hadn’t worn them during the day, but he kept them up here in case. She ran up to his side, nearly tripping on a strand of the iron links, and he steadied her as a reflex. Flash movements still made her eyes grow large, but it was sort of endearing. She was a sweet kid, underneath the need to prove herself.

“To make it easier to see, we’ll actually use chalk to draw the circle.” He began the lesson and she nodded. It was sort of nice having someone need him around for something.

As the night wore on, he began to loosen up and smile with his smaller companion, making fun of her mistakes and correcting her when he had to. He had to admit, if nothing else, having the family in his house kept him from being bored.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Too Sleepy to Title This

Watching: The most hilarious parody in a few minutes.

Listening to: Girl Talk (awesome mashup collective).

To be fair, most things done by Barely Political that I've seen have been pretty amazing. Check them out if your bored or want to see Batman sing about plot lines in The Dark Knight. Also, Lady Gaga fun.

I haven't really written since my rant, so, I guess it's been nearly a week. That's pretty much okay because not much happened of interest around me since then and that wasn't even particularly interesting. I mean, I went to work and am back at school after Spring Break.

Well, Wednesday night, shortly after posting  my raving bitch session, I did hang out with a friend of mine that I haven't really seen in about a year or so. He's a pretty cool guy, actually, though he did also call me a pussy about my life skills more or less. He also reminded me that I am not reliably assertive, which is pretty much the same conversation I had been having with family for a few days prior so...

Guess whose learning to not be a doormat for life? This guy.

It really was nice seeing him again though. We haven't talked in a while, but back when we used to hang out pretty frequently, he was the same no-bullshit guy. I like when people stay consistent haha, and I have a peculiar attraction to people who can brutally honest with me like that. Plus he's one of those people I actually feel comfortable around, most of the time. There are circumstances when that's not true, but I'm not getting into that here. We hung out in his car in front of my house until nearly four in the morning when my mom came strolling by with the dogs and reminded me that I should sleep at some point before work.

Even though most of the time he was berating me about my personality, it made me feel better. Not even sure how much I resolved or anything, it was just nice being near someone and able to relax and chit chat.

Thursday night I went out with some girls after work to get ice cream, which is necessary after work for us because we like excuses to eat sugary frozen goodness. They are both pretty fun chickas who are old enough to drink while I'm still not, so there was also alcohol being ordered haha. (I gotta see if I can use these people's names because I don't want them flying at me from over the counter at work to strangle me for just assuming.) After our Applebee's fun, which lasted until a bit over an hour after closing mind you, I actually went over to the same friend's house.

I was introduced to the awesome game of Marvel Vs Capcom 3, which is really well done to me. Not that I'm an expert or even have a voice for video games, I just enjoyed playing it. And losing it, to be honest, because I think I won something like five out of twenty games or some ridiculously small ratio like that. I have a fondness for Iron Man, Wesker and Chris though. I mean, with Wesker, you can almost see frost form on the TV screen as the other characters shrink back in fear for their mortal souls. He's an intense guy and I wanted him on my side.

I just love Tony Stark because of his nonchalant arrogance. Chris was just cool to play with. I've never played the Resident Evil games, but my friend Jon used to and I would watch. Also Silent Hill. But in this case, I've at least seen this particular character before.

The graphics were pretty awesome, especially the backgrounds and the special moves for the characters. Intense. So intense that he mopped the floor with me even with a severe handicap in my favor. I actually lost some minor money playing this game.

Worth it.

It was another really fun way to spend my time until four in the morning. I could've played a bit longer, or just chilled out, but I had to work the next day. Also, I may be one of the few human beings who can habitually stay up that late and still function.

After all of that not much until Sunday, when I drove my bro up to Charlottesville where he goes to school. And I just spent the last 8 hours working on Quantitative Methods homework because I kept distracting myself instead of focusing. I also have another three full pages to add to a paper due tomorrow evening, but I'm waking up early for that one. And the power point to go with it.

Uploaded way late photographs of Oregon to my DeviantArt account. Got some compliments on them, so go check them out. Yeah, I'm a shameless self promoter. It's the internet. I can do that.

So yeah. Not too much has been going. I'm sort of writing this in a semi-delirious state though. The words are actually starting to move on the page... I should go to bed now.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Bitch Session

So, in case no one has noticed lately, there has been significant change in the tone of my reflection on life. I'm a bit more angry, bitter and overall less chipper. This is pretty much a usual in my cycle. I'm basically always delicately balanced on the wire of confidence and happiness that holds me above gut wrenching self-loathing and weakness. It's a thin wire, and I'm not wearing the right shoes or carrying that pole tight-ropers have to keep their weight centered.

I don't have much self-confidence, but I've gotten a lot better at faking it and have taught myself the rest of the time to just not really care. I'm normally a pretty happy gal, but that doubt is always a nagging worm in the back of my brain. I talk a lot around people I'm comfortable with, or in situations in which I feel a bit more superior, which are not things that happen much. I mean, I used to be that kid that would speak the correct answers all the time in class. I mostly just nod and take notes.

It's not necessarily easy for me to be around people. I sort of always compare myself to others which is very unhealthy, especially since I never feel I measure up. Before anyone dares comment on how 'I shouldn't care' or 'I have my own talents' or whatever, know this. I'm fully fucking aware of that. What sort of person goes 'Shit, I have to compare myself to Susan because if not, however will I keep myself feeling totally inadequate?' I'm a psychology student for Jebus sake. Anyways, I sort of always do it, and I have an intense fear of failure in most things, so it makes me very timid in most aspects of my life.

Which is why I find it hilarious that some people think I'm fearless or something. I'm not. I'm riddled with paralyzing fears, they just don't involve not telling idiots off or threatening to call the cops on failed burglars. I do stupid, reckless things without thinking about it not because I'm brave, but because I'm incapable of considering the situation completely before I act. Just like I always run my mouth way before I finish the thought.

Lately, these things have been eating away at my already limited stability. What do you know, my brother was right, I'm another unstable female. Go figure.

I can't write worth a damn in anything that matters to me. I open up my novel and stare at it, wondering why I never realized I sucked as a writer. Seriously. I write like a fucking thirteen year old for some reason. This is disturbing news to me since I've wanted to be an author since I was like 10. I already gave up on being worth a damn in photography, and anything else artistic, I really don't want to admit that I suck at this too. I'm hoping that it's a slump and I've got on some blurry goggles that ruin every word I've ever written, but I'm doubting it.

I don't even read that much anymore. It's like I've become this entirely different person that I swore I'd hate myself for becoming. All I do is work and go to school. I love school, I wish I could go for the rest of my life, honestly I do. Just like I wish I could stay home all day and write until I passed out and get paid for it.

Because that pipe dream is totally going to happen.

Anyways, the whole reason I'm venting about this (and yes, Sarah, this is venting, so please do not call or text all freaked out or something. You know how I get. I'm angry.) is that my dad and I talked. I love my dad, I value his opinion and I could not imagine my life without him to bounce my ideas off of. However I don't think he quite understands that I'm not ready to pick my life out yet. Christ. I'm twenty years old. I've been working for the last fifteen years to get good grades, to get a job, to ace this or be better at that. Maybe, just maybe, I get tired of always worrying about if I'm doing the right thing for my future, or if I'm being successful in my life.

I'm bad at sports, I have limited knowledge even on subjects I want to know about, and I feel like every time I make a definitive choice about where I want my life to go, I get scrutinized for it because I'm not good enough or ready enough.

In case you haven't noticed, this makes me very tense and angry and I dislike it very much.

Bitch session is over and didn't make much sense, I guess.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I was Almost Burglarized

Watching: The Office

Listening to: Nothing.

So, today has been exciting. Got my Virginia License today with my brother. That was anti-climatic after several months of battling the DMV over lost paperwork.

My mom took us out in the Tiburon. Totally awesome. I'm almost 21 and don't know how to drive stick. Or at least, didn't. It was hilarious, her teaching us. I have this issue with stop signs, or more, continuing in first gear after stopping. I was pretty smooth at shifting in motion, though. But really, stalling out six times at one stop sign (in a row) is ridiculous. My brother showed me up like a beast.

Next time I'm hoping to film it, hopefully. Hurrah for self created blackmail posted on YouTube.

We went to dinner too. Overall, it was a pretty good evening with mom and the brother, which is not always something that happens. They don't get along all the time, so it was very nice.

Coming home to my fucking car getting broken into by two moronic lying assholes, however, was not. The first words out of my mouth as my mom rolled to a stop across the street from where I park were "Let me out, now." She told me no. I was in the backseat behind Boy the Giant Ginger, or I would've bolted. My temper was hot.

These two dumb shits were attempting to break into my freaking Skylark, with its missing side panels and podunk appearance because they happened to see the iPod cable I have attached to my stereo. My mom yells "HEY! What are you doing?" They start to walk towards us. She waits. Asks again. "What the hell do you think your doing?"

"Oh, I was trying to get my iPod out of my car, but it's locked."

Hell yes it was locked, mother fucker, because it's not your damn car. The words out of my mouth were "No fuck." My mom said "Because it's not your car." This guy looks my mom dead in the eye and says "Yes it is."

"No it's not, it's my car and I'm calling the cops."

They didn't stick around very long, but I did call the cops. All I'm saying is, with my slight stature and the fact I weigh less than 110 pounds, it's pretty easy for me to get scuffed up and seem victimized. I've been bullied my whole life by one or the other person, or at least picked on. I'm not about to be afraid of some thug ass white kid with mommy issues. Plus, my brother is super defensive of me. Mostly because of the fact I'm tiny. But I'll kick someone's ass, with the use of mace.

So, after that phone call to the cops, pulling all valuables from the cars, and walking the dogs, I came inside and did this:

Meet Writer Badger, the Honey Badger allegory for my life haha. I did a punch of these little posters in the style of Hipster Kitty and Fuck Yeah Art Student Owl. Posting them on Deviant art as well.  Putting one more up here, just for fun. 

So yeah, that's been my life today. I have to say, a bit more exciting than usual. Also, posted a video of me reading poetry from A. A. Milne last night on YouTube.  I'm in love with old books, especially psychology, textbooks, and children's books from the 1950s and earlier. They smell amazing and comforting. 

Bye bye darlings. 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Good Times

Watching: Everybody Loves Raymond

Listening to: My dad snore.

So, yesterday being Sunday, I worked from an hour before the mall opened to two hours after it closed. Normal Sunday activity. Except, no one told me that the lights were on a timer so that they were always on at 10 in the morning, so I stood outside in the misty wetness that is Virginia in the spring time, cussing because I thought my manager was ignoring my calls to unlock the door. I was so pissed.

Then this family walks up, I'm guessing a dad, mom and their full grown son with his wife. I tell them politely that the mall doesn't open until twelve, as is usual. The dad goes "When did that start?"

"Sir, every mall in Virginia opens at noon on Sundays since forever, I think."

Then his wife gets uber close to my face. "You have really unusual eyes. Are you wearing colored contacts?"

"No ma'am. They're just like that."

"They're almost white with an outline of the same blue color as your hair. That's really unusual."


Then the entire family comes closer to my face to look. I shrank away and told them to go through the main mall entrance and to get some Starbucks. I hate invading my personal space. It's so aggravating. I don't handle it well with most friends, much less total strangers who can't read a basic hours of operations listing.

To make it even better, I work in a store notoriously without A.C. all year. Even right now, when it's forty degrees outside, it's going to be seventy or higher in that freaking place. Adding to that is that lately I've been having random spikes in my body temperature, so I go from feeling comfortable at seventy something to dying because it feels like its ninety something. Not so much fun. But hey, that's really fixable. I'm sleeping more, so it should be alright now.

As a note on retail, as customers, can people do me a few favors? If you're in a hurry, please do not shop in my store. Ever. Because when you throw your clothes, credit cards, cash or anything else at me or onto my counter, it pisses me off. Guess what I, and all my fellow cashiers, do? We move slower because now you're on our shit list. Be polite, we're trying to do our best. It's not our fault we're understaffed and getting mobbed.

I mean, I have pretty good customer service most of the time. I smile, I'm polite, and I offer help where I can. But I'm human, and I'm part Irish, and I will call a manager to handle you for being a dick just to eat up your time. I'm serious. I'm a vindictive person with passive aggressive tendencies, coupled with my being a Gemini, that is not a personality type you want to get into a pissing contest with.

Beyond that, the last week or so hasn't been that bad. My little brother, whose six feet tall with red hair and freckles and enough strength to shame much larger men, is in town from UVA. He's a first year, which makes me feel old. But he's happy to see me, so cool.

We went to see I am Number Four last night. It's funny. As we're watching the end of the previews the Real Steel preview came on. It's a movie with Hugh Jackman (one of my favorites) and looks like it's based on Rock'em Sock'em Robots. My bro was making a joke and said "Written and produced by Michael Bay."

Guess who produced I am Number Four? Yup. It was hilarious to find out.

The movie was a little romancy for my action tastes, but I'm in love with Timothy Olyphant, so I can overlook that. I'm not a huge alien movie fan most of the time, especially regarding teenagers in the middle of that special 'I should be in love' phase. But it was pretty action packed. And it had a dog, which is always awesome, because it was a cool *SPOILER ALERT* gecko-dog-chimera beast that saved everyone's ass.

Plus, there is an awesome aussie blond chick that totally kicks ass and saves the guys butt two or three times. The nerdy kid rises in status to being needed. There are some explosions, sexual tension, fight scenes where football players get their asses kicked, and strange alien dudes with gills on their faces. I liked it, but like I said, it was a bit romancy. *SPOILER ALERT* The whole 'We only fall in love once and its forever' thing with the Nine is a bit Twilight for me, but oh well.

So, we'll see where this week goes. It's Spring Break here and I don't work until Thursday. Considering dropping down to part time so I might be able to have a weekend day off so that I can go to Freestyle Weekend with my dad and take my brother back up to Charlottesville.

Oh, and this place down from my house is awesome. It's a book store with homemade shelves so the whole place smells like fresh pine. All the books are 50% off publishers price. They also sell used movies, DVDs, books on tape, and vinyls. Oh god, the vinyls. I don't even have a player, but I want to go in and buy some to put up on my wall in frames. I feel like that would be awesome for decoration.

Anyways, I'm off to finish writing the chapter of the last story I have to update for my competition.

Guten Tag

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Crisis Averted

Watching: Robot Chicken

Listening to: Robot Chicken

So, I'm off work now, eating popcorn and once again reviewing my life as I remember it. There's been a lot of changes over the last few years. I mean, even in the last five years there's been so much. In the scheme of things that's such a small span of time, but right now, it's been a critical portion of my life.

This was brought on by my lag in writing and my talking to my mother. Some things, like creative slumps, don't need to be mixed with emotions. My mom was telling me she was proud of me, but that if she'd had to change anything about me, it would have been to make me cuddlier as a child, especially towards her. I don't remember being particularly un-cuddly, but it made me realize that I've never been into being coddled, really. Snuggling? I need my space most of the time.

This is one of the reasons I have a hard time in intimate relationships. There are very, very few people I'm comfortable snuggling up to. In fact, I can't name any right now, except maybe one, and my awkwardness sees to that never happening. Blah. Anyways.

So, I've been in a real slump with my writing, which sucks it hardcore, because I'm trying to rewrite my novel and keep up with my online stories. I'd also appreciate the drive to work on Silver Lined Night again. This is sort of a catch-22 for me. My characters are like people I know, I mean, I know everything about them. When I'm in a tricky spot, sometimes I think 'How would (insert character) handle this?'. The more I fixate, however, on not being able to sense them out, the more I can't get in touch with my characters. It's actually really hard on me, because I've been working on these stories for years.

Seeing them going nowhere, completely stagnate, is like watching a child with bundles of potential smoking pot and play video games all day instead of doing homework. You know if they only were pushed a little they could go anywhere.

Of course, I've been doubting myself a lot lately too. That has a lot to do with all of this. Fan fiction is easy enough to write, it's pretty stable. The characters are well defined, anyone with experience knows how to keep a character as themselves. Plot lines are manageable. It's great. You're basically handed a template half filled in when you start.

Starting from scratch is horribly intimidating suddenly. It never used to be that way. I love writing. These stories have been mine to tell for nearly a decade now. I know the ins and outs as well as I know life. Which is the problem. Holy crap. INSIGHT. I just realized this always happens when I lose track of where my life is going, when I lose that hope that I'm going to do something worthwhile. I'm questioning a lot about what I'm going to do after December, when I'm supposed to graduate.

Wow. I think I just had a breakthrough.

How am I supposed to convince myself the direction of my characters' lives is right when I don't feel comfortable in my own shoes? I cannot control a world of my making if I can't wade through the one I live in.

I feel better now.

Anyways, new store manager at work, temporary for now. She's about 50/50 so far on my ratings of 'has to go'. Tolerable at the moment, so, we'll see how this goes.

Oh, so, President Obama averted a shutdown by signing a two week appropriation of funds into effect on Wednesday. So, basically, another two week extension on the pissing contest in congress. I have two family members (immediate) who can't afford for these elected officials to keep screwing around. Just vote already, damn. Better yet, poll the American public and we'll tell you what we think.

This has been one long, uninformative blog about my own petty crap. Oh well. Congrats if you made it all the way through.

Also, if I have consistent readers, please show support to my friend Richelle in her time of need. No donations or anything, just kind words for her turmoil.

Thanks for coming,