Monday, March 19, 2012

Off and On

Hey world. Its been a little bit, eh? Saint Pattie's just happened, the world is turning green and warm again. Not too shabby.

It's been  strange few weeks for me, personally. I've come off of the SSRI I was on to help moderate my anxiety. In an act of taking control over myself and shrugging off the much abused system of psychiatric narcotics, I've chosen to just stop. There's nothing wrong with me on a biological level, so there's no reason for me to keep taking a medication that could easily be replaced with exercise and personal accountability. For the record, I'm not dissing Paxil users. I was on it for something like seven months. When I buckled and chose to start taking it, I was in a pretty terrible place that I wasn't quite able to come from. But I'm done with that.

It's my life, goddamnit, and I'll do with it what I please.

The withdrawals are bitch though. One week out of the rabbit's hole and I've been pretty ill. Tremors, depressive moods, aggression, nausea, headaches, dizziness, loss of balance, lethargy. The ride may have some potholes, but it'll be worth it. I'm trying to cut my dependence on outside substances for happiness or mood stabilizers. Even, should I dare to say, caffeine. A little. Mostly to prove that I don't need them to make my life work, and that I don't need crutches. This is for myself.

Plus, with  roommate whose dieting it probably wouldn't hurt for me to start getting healthier and stop being such a lazy lardo. Haha.

Anyway. Not much is going down. The drive from Augusta to Portland is crazy long, so I've given up on working for H&M for the time being. I'll be starting at Best Buy this Friday. I'm excited for it. I also applied for a job working with kids after school to gain life skills and independence. I hope I get it. Two jobs, an apartment. WOO. Responsibility. I had to take my first piss test for Best Buy, which was a strange experience. Weed is pretty prevalent up here. And so freaking casual! Some guy came up to David, Hillary and I and asked for some out of the blue. Maine is a different animal. Which is hilarious, given all the crap I've given people over time for smoking, thinking the world ran like the places I lived. Not this place man. Eyes opened.

Coming up in April I'll be going to my first Anime Convention in Boston. That'll be a freaking blast. I'm loving it already. David is cosplaying some great characters. Em is blowing my mind with her costumes and our entire group is just going to be a blast. I love how friendly is. When I first got up here, it was like having an entire little family to pal around with. It was nice having a group of friends all at once again. Having things to do like run to another town to see my boyfriend perform or go watch a DnD game with Emily.

I'm also extremely off and on frustrated. Trying to stop being as hard headed as I am, which is hard. I don't want to be super opinionated, mostly because it makes me feel rude and embarrassed with myself so I self-admonish and then hide. I feel a little like I've been head butting people and issues and I'm tired and a little hurt over it. As in, when I think about it I cringe because my chest tightens because I'm worried about the people I love up here. So, I've been biting my tongue and then not being able to and feeling guilty about it. It sucks, not being able to tell people how you feel because you know they'll react negatively and the guilt will just make everything dull and grey when it's supposed to be shiny and bright.

Interpersonal crises for the sake of person development for the win! I guess...

Anyway, off to be away. Laters.

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