Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Pavlov's Bell

The title is a song by Aimee Mann.

I spent yesterday hanging out with some friends of mine down at the beach for several hours. It was lovely. The breeze kept it from being too hot, the water was actually rather warm, and until the sun went down it was very nice. More people would have made it a little bit better, but it was still pretty awesome. We picnicked and chilled. It was very relaxing.

After that we went to one of the girl's apartments. Had some wine. Played some Guitar Hero, which I discovered I am still awful at, haha. Of course, playing against someone who has an easy time on Expert, while I'm still bad on Beginner doesn't help. It was fun though.

When I left for home, my friend was telling me about how much she missed her boyfriend, how much she loved him. That sort of thing, deep emotions for another being who isn't there, always makes me think hard.

I thought last night, and this morning so far, a lot about the people in my life. About how much they mean to me. I have a hard time opening up and letting people know I care about them. That they mean something to my life, that I appreciate their support and the times they're their for me. I have a harder time telling the men in my life this than I do the women. It's always been that way. I don't like feeling like a burden to people, and I don't like feeling like I'm relying on someone else too heavily.

But I know some really great guys. They've picked me up more times than I've realized that I've fallen. Doing stupid little things to make me smile, to keep me happy, to go out of their way to show they care. I don't show much appreciation but I should. A lot of girl's complain there are no good men left. There are plenty. I have a wealth of them in my life. They put of with my crazy emotional bullshit, they offer to listen and be there even if they're handling something else. There are lots of great guys out there, but if you don't recognize what they do for you, you can't expect them to keep it up. That's so tiresome, caring for someone who doesn't appreciate anything you do for it.

I'm not sure if I show it enough, which probably means I don't, but I do notice and appreciate all the things done for me. Maybe not all, actually. I'm not always the most observant person in the world. I don't know how to show it, but I do notice. Like driving me up to a door because its safer than letting me walk by myself at night in an unfamiliar place. I notice. I appreciate it.

In that instance, I wanted to show it, but I had something else I had to handle.

All of the thinking lead down several other tangents. I rarely think of one thing at a time. I thought about the important people to me. I thought about how closed off a person I can be, even when all I've wanted to say is 'I'm scared. I don't know what to do about it, and I don't want to be, but I am.' I thought about how much I don't say when its all I want to do, because for some reason the words won't come out. Some days all I want to do is sit down and talk, explain myself and all the randomly connected lines of thought running through my head. Answer all questions honestly.

But I can't seem to get the words out. I can't do the actions either, because I'm never sure if things have changed in the situation. I'm never sure if I've waited too long and lost the chance.

I rely really heavily on other people to give the go ahead for a variety of things. To make plans, to hang out, pretty much anything. I'm not very assertive. I wish I was much more often. I feel like by being so timid, I've lost a lot of opportunities to make connections with people that I've wished I'd made connections with. I've lost chances that I can't get back.

When I finally got to sleep this morning, I had a dream I haven't had in a few years. I was in a vast field of grass, sand and sage. There was no sun, but the night sky above was so lighted with the cosmos that there didn't need to be sunlight to see. I was sitting in the field, staring up at the universe and remembered this place was where I used to go when I meditated to keep calm. My Nirvana. Someone sat beside me that I didn't really see. I don't remember anything else really, except waking up trying to remember what the person said to me.

Anyways, I'm out of comfort food and nearly out of time before work. I need to go get dressed and eat something substantial before I make dinner to take with me. I feel better. I'm not really sure if I said much that made sense, but oh well. I'll be back to myself in a few hours or at least by tomorrow. I'm a durable little person, and I bounce back pretty quick from most things. I'm not sure what I'd be bouncing back from except a less than excellent mentality, but I'll do it.

Have a good day.

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