Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Bitch Session

So, in case no one has noticed lately, there has been significant change in the tone of my reflection on life. I'm a bit more angry, bitter and overall less chipper. This is pretty much a usual in my cycle. I'm basically always delicately balanced on the wire of confidence and happiness that holds me above gut wrenching self-loathing and weakness. It's a thin wire, and I'm not wearing the right shoes or carrying that pole tight-ropers have to keep their weight centered.

I don't have much self-confidence, but I've gotten a lot better at faking it and have taught myself the rest of the time to just not really care. I'm normally a pretty happy gal, but that doubt is always a nagging worm in the back of my brain. I talk a lot around people I'm comfortable with, or in situations in which I feel a bit more superior, which are not things that happen much. I mean, I used to be that kid that would speak the correct answers all the time in class. I mostly just nod and take notes.

It's not necessarily easy for me to be around people. I sort of always compare myself to others which is very unhealthy, especially since I never feel I measure up. Before anyone dares comment on how 'I shouldn't care' or 'I have my own talents' or whatever, know this. I'm fully fucking aware of that. What sort of person goes 'Shit, I have to compare myself to Susan because if not, however will I keep myself feeling totally inadequate?' I'm a psychology student for Jebus sake. Anyways, I sort of always do it, and I have an intense fear of failure in most things, so it makes me very timid in most aspects of my life.

Which is why I find it hilarious that some people think I'm fearless or something. I'm not. I'm riddled with paralyzing fears, they just don't involve not telling idiots off or threatening to call the cops on failed burglars. I do stupid, reckless things without thinking about it not because I'm brave, but because I'm incapable of considering the situation completely before I act. Just like I always run my mouth way before I finish the thought.

Lately, these things have been eating away at my already limited stability. What do you know, my brother was right, I'm another unstable female. Go figure.

I can't write worth a damn in anything that matters to me. I open up my novel and stare at it, wondering why I never realized I sucked as a writer. Seriously. I write like a fucking thirteen year old for some reason. This is disturbing news to me since I've wanted to be an author since I was like 10. I already gave up on being worth a damn in photography, and anything else artistic, I really don't want to admit that I suck at this too. I'm hoping that it's a slump and I've got on some blurry goggles that ruin every word I've ever written, but I'm doubting it.

I don't even read that much anymore. It's like I've become this entirely different person that I swore I'd hate myself for becoming. All I do is work and go to school. I love school, I wish I could go for the rest of my life, honestly I do. Just like I wish I could stay home all day and write until I passed out and get paid for it.

Because that pipe dream is totally going to happen.

Anyways, the whole reason I'm venting about this (and yes, Sarah, this is venting, so please do not call or text all freaked out or something. You know how I get. I'm angry.) is that my dad and I talked. I love my dad, I value his opinion and I could not imagine my life without him to bounce my ideas off of. However I don't think he quite understands that I'm not ready to pick my life out yet. Christ. I'm twenty years old. I've been working for the last fifteen years to get good grades, to get a job, to ace this or be better at that. Maybe, just maybe, I get tired of always worrying about if I'm doing the right thing for my future, or if I'm being successful in my life.

I'm bad at sports, I have limited knowledge even on subjects I want to know about, and I feel like every time I make a definitive choice about where I want my life to go, I get scrutinized for it because I'm not good enough or ready enough.

In case you haven't noticed, this makes me very tense and angry and I dislike it very much.

Bitch session is over and didn't make much sense, I guess.


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