Saturday, May 14, 2011

I'm a Lucky Person

"What's the point of Twitter? I don't understand. Should I be twittering?" "It's Tweeting, not twittering." "Fuck you that's what it is. What is it, anyways?" "It's a place for people to feel important who aren't." "Oh. I don't need Twitter then. I have a blog." "Yeah."

My friends and I discuss the things in life that truly matter. Today has been a little bit hilarious half the time. I drew a mustache on my finger to make my day brighter and then drew a face on the back of my other hand so that I could give it the mustache. My boss was tickled with that. This is the same woman who laughed so hard she nearly choked when a customer dissed me with a bitchy look and I said "Didn't want help you anyways. Bitches always going to hate."

Also, went and watched Thor after work. It was pretty damn awesome. It stoked me up! Which is good. For some reason movies always make me want to write. I came out of the theater with some pretty good ideas for my novel, which I should be writing on.

I feel better now. Really better. Lifted. I still need to take a vacation of some sort, but who doesn't? I figured out that I've been feeling inadequate lately. Mostly due to me not accomplishing anything in the past year. The 13th of May is the anniversary of my Grandfather's death, and it was a very hard time for me last year. I promised myself I would change, that I would not let life continue to dwindle out of my grasp like grains of sand. I hadn't seen my grandfather in thirteen years, and hadn't spoken to him in about two. I never wanted to let anything so simple as fear and embarrassment stop me again.

I have not lived up to that. I really haven't and that disappoints me. I get so stuck on the consequences of my actions way before hand that I always stop and never act. Its one of the reasons I don't make first moves. I am always so afraid of failing at something that I get hung up on the possibility and it convinces me to never act. This has made me very unhappy with myself lately and I think I've passively been acting out against the people who care about me. I'm sorry for that.

I cannot say that this is something I can fix overnight. Change rarely happens so quickly. But now that I can see it, I can effect it in myself. I think a first step is actually making a plan and doing something with it. Like, let's say, moving. Buying a car. Doing things that I've been scared to do for the passed three years.

I've talked to some of my closest, dearest friends. People who have seen my ups, downs, ugly and good. People I've hurt. People I've loved, nearly lost, and helped. People I've cried for, over and with. They made me stop feeling sorry for myself like an idiot. I kept wondering, because I wasn't sure what I liked about myself, what people liked about me. Two of my dearest friends made me happy with myself and the people around me with the simplest words.

I should tell people more often that I love them. That I care about and appreciate them. That they make me happy. It's only fair and right.

Anyways, enough of my ramblings again. I've posted too often, the world will get spoiled with my introspective mental wanderings and crazy antics. So I'm going to say goodnight with this quote from a dear friend of mine. She should really stop listening to me sometimes. I can give some pretty abysmal advice, especially regarding taking risks with food. (I once at a pizza that we literally had forgotten about for over a week). But this is sound advice from someone who is an authority on the subject (thanks to my pushing).

"Don't eat a half a box of croutons after midnight. Ever."

Which begs the question, if you do it before midnight, does it seem like a better idea?

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